Math Lesson

Today, kids, we will learn about Mommy Math.  This is a form of math that, when figured appropriately, does not make practical sense yet continues to be the most used processes in a mommy world.

PROBLEM	SOLUTION
Estimated cost of items on Target shopping list vs. actual receipts	Horse blinders or something because NOT going to Target is not an option
Number of pictures taken at your daughter’s basketball game vs. the number that feature something other than what looks like a basketball-colored comet and blurry aliens	Put the camera down and watch the damn game
Total square footage of Nebraska Furniture Mart minus cubic footage of item needed	Equals severe depression about the status of your own home furnishings
Total % off sale price that actually entices one to purchase a stove when they went in for a microwave	When did they start having Memorial Day sales?  And why have I not known this my whole life?
Average actual yardage of your kid’s baseball hits vs. the yardage you perceive and/or tell everyone	C’mon, that would’ve been a home run at Kauffman Stadium
Ratio of the number of times you tell your kids to do something vs. number of times they actually hear it	None.  There is no known solution to this problem that has stumped scientists and mathematicians for thousands of years worldwide.
My actual IQ vs what my kids think my IQ is	I do have one, you know.
Number of nights on my calendar with nothing going on	The number is so miniscule that it cannot be expressed in numerical form
Number of hours a task actually takes when my husband says it should take x hours	Add three to his number and multiply by six. Add sixteen curse words.
Number of minutes away from home he is when he says x minutes (and dinner is ready and waiting).	See above.
Recommended hours of sleep vs. actual hours of sleep	Represented as a bell curve as it relates to the ages of your children; includes variables such as bedtime thirst, boogeyman sightings, remembered dirty baseball uniforms, and vomit.
Number of times we have actually gone into the basement during a tornado warning	Zero.  This number is zero.  We are from Kansas. We grab a snack and sit in the back of our truck. Bring a camera!
Average number of chicken nuggets consumed by my son at one sitting between the ages of 13 and 14.
Ratio of dollar-to-portion savings at an all-you-can-eat buffet when feeding two teenagers	AKA the restaurant’s profit/loss margin
Number of vegetables my kids will eat vs. number of vegetables my husband will eat	The answer is potatoes.

                                               

I hope you learned something today, children.  Numbers are everywhere.  It’s what you do with that math that makes you a better person.  And if math is too hard, the best answer is always potatoes.