Math Lesson

Today, kids, we will learn about Mommy Math.  This is a form of math that, when figured appropriately, does not make practical sense yet continues to be the most used processes in a mommy world.

PROBLEM	SOLUTION
Estimated cost of items on Target shopping list vs. actual receipts	Horse blinders or something because NOT going to Target is not an option
Number of pictures taken at your daughter’s basketball game vs. the number that feature something other than what looks like a basketball-colored comet and blurry aliens	Put the camera down and watch the damn game
Total square footage of Nebraska Furniture Mart minus cubic footage of item needed	Equals severe depression about the status of your own home furnishings
Total % off sale price that actually entices one to purchase a stove when they went in for a microwave	When did they start having Memorial Day sales?  And why have I not known this my whole life?
Average actual yardage of your kid’s baseball hits vs. the yardage you perceive and/or tell everyone	C’mon, that would’ve been a home run at Kauffman Stadium
Ratio of the number of times you tell your kids to do something vs. number of times they actually hear it	None.  There is no known solution to this problem that has stumped scientists and mathematicians for thousands of years worldwide.
My actual IQ vs what my kids think my IQ is	I do have one, you know.
Number of nights on my calendar with nothing going on	The number is so miniscule that it cannot be expressed in numerical form
Number of hours a task actually takes when my husband says it should take x hours	Add three to his number and multiply by six. Add sixteen curse words.
Number of minutes away from home he is when he says x minutes (and dinner is ready and waiting).	See above.
Recommended hours of sleep vs. actual hours of sleep	Represented as a bell curve as it relates to the ages of your children; includes variables such as bedtime thirst, boogeyman sightings, remembered dirty baseball uniforms, and vomit.
Number of times we have actually gone into the basement during a tornado warning	Zero.  This number is zero.  We are from Kansas. We grab a snack and sit in the back of our truck. Bring a camera!
Average number of chicken nuggets consumed by my son at one sitting between the ages of 13 and 14.
Ratio of dollar-to-portion savings at an all-you-can-eat buffet when feeding two teenagers	AKA the restaurant’s profit/loss margin
Number of vegetables my kids will eat vs. number of vegetables my husband will eat	The answer is potatoes.

                                               

I hope you learned something today, children.  Numbers are everywhere.  It’s what you do with that math that makes you a better person.  And if math is too hard, the best answer is always potatoes.

Laundry Soap for Eczema Sufferers

Okay, so I wasn't even kidding when I mentioned that I have a great recipe for laundry soap.  Here's what I need to say first:

My son has had eczema since he was 18 months old; he is now 14 years old.  I am not a doctor. Every human being is different with different allergies, triggers, chemical makeup, etc.  I will not launch into a dissertation on how to diagnose, treat or eliminate eczema.  First of all, I'll say it again: I'm not a doctor. Second, eliminating eczema is impossible.  Sorry to burst your bubble.  Well, maybe I should just say eliminating eczema is impossible FOR NORMAL PEOPLE.

I work outside the home.  My son likes food...LOTS of food.  We had him tested, so we know what he is allergic to.  His only reaction is exacerbated eczema so his life is not at risk by exposure to his triggers.  He is old enough now where he decides for himself if eating something or participating in an activity will trigger his eczema and whether it's worth it.  Sometimes it is.  He might eat the occasional unlabeled or homemade chocolate chip cookie someone brought because he is 14 and likes to eat.  I've thought about going gluten-free or milk-free just to see if that would cure his eczema, but he has told me he would be miserable without those foods in his life, and I would be miserable trying to cook those foods when I can't even cook a box of Hamburger Helper without screwing it up.  So my son has learned to live with it...flare ups, triggers, warts and all.

Don't judge me, and I promise I won't judge you.  Sorry to have to get all Bossy McBosserton with you, but I don't need the judgment of all the super mommies in the world.  And besides, that's not really why I created this blog, mmmkay?

So back to the eczema:  if you or your kid have it then you know that moisturization is key.  Twice a day my son lubes himself up head to toe with Aquaphor (actually, it's Wal-Mart's Equate version...way, way better!) He personally uses Cortisone-10 Intensive Healing Lotion for Eczema on his flare-ups.  It's cheaper than prescription meds and works better for him.

As a result, his clothes and sheets are covered in greasy lotion.  We can't use scented or heavy duty laundry detergents or fabric softeners.  All Free & Clear might as well be water when it comes to cleaning. His clothes were dingy, hard and scratchy.  I looked high and low on the internet for laundry soaps that actually clean his fabrics without setting off his eczema, and eventually I stumbled across a blog by one of those super mommies who makes their own everything to save money and be organic and whatnot.

Through years of trial and error we finally found a bar soap that works best for him (Complexion Beauty Bar by Cal-Ben.  We order online in bulk.)  This recipe is perfect because it uses the soap he's already used to, so it's one less thing his skin can get mad about.

BEHOLD, I HAVE FOUND IT....THE HOLY GRAIL OF LAUNDRY DETERGENT RECIPES. I shall now bestow upon you this gift.  You are welcome.

SENSITIVE SKIN LAUNDRY DETERGENT THAT REALLY WORKS

1/3 box of Borax (4 lb. box)

1/3 box of Super Washing Soda (4 lb. box)

1/3 box of Pure Baking Soda  (4 lb. box)

1 bar of the bath soap you already use

Shred the bar of soap.  Mix with the rest of the ingredients and keep in a large tupperware dish.  Put two scoops in the drum of the washer with the clothes.  Voila.  Clean clothes!

First Post!!

So here it is.  My first post on my new blog.  A nice, white box in which I am able to type whatever I want.  A blank space, baby.



Gotta type something awesome so that people will visit my blog and think, "Man, she's great! Wish I could type stuff like that!"  Here goes.  Good stuff, coming through right now.  Right...NOW!  Here it comes!

Okay, truth is I don't have anything right now.  I've got stuff I want to tell people (that super awesome laundry soap recipe for people with eczema!) and random thoughts that nag at my brain (what would have happened if Eve had just baked a pie out of the fruit from the tree of knowledge and given it to Adam without telling him?), but right at this moment I got nothing.  But stay tuned because I promise I'll give you something you can use.

Thanks for visiting!