Today, kids, we will learn about Mommy Math. This is a form of math that, when figured
appropriately, does not make practical sense yet continues to be the most used processes in a mommy world.
|
PROBLEM
|
SOLUTION
|
|
Estimated cost of items on Target shopping list vs. actual receipts
|
Horse blinders or something because NOT going to Target is
not an option
|
|
Number of pictures taken at your daughter’s basketball game
vs. the number that feature something other than what looks like a basketball-colored comet and blurry aliens
|
Put the camera down and watch the damn game
|
|
Total square footage of Nebraska Furniture Mart minus
cubic footage of item needed
|
Equals severe depression about the status of your own home
furnishings
|
|
Total % off sale price that actually entices one to
purchase a stove when they went in for a microwave
|
When did they start having Memorial Day sales? And why have I not known this my whole
life?
|
|
Average actual yardage of your kid’s baseball hits vs. the
yardage you perceive and/or tell everyone
|
C’mon, that would’ve been a home run at Kauffman Stadium
|
|
Ratio of the number of times you tell your kids to do
something vs. number of times they actually hear it
|
None. There is no
known solution to this problem that has stumped scientists and mathematicians
for thousands of years worldwide.
|
|
My actual IQ vs what my kids think my IQ is
|
I do have one, you know.
|
|
Number of nights on my calendar with nothing going on
|
The number is so miniscule that it cannot be expressed in
numerical form
|
|
Number of hours a task actually takes when my husband says
it should take x hours
|
Add three to his number and multiply by six. Add sixteen
curse words.
|
|
Number of minutes away from home he is when he says x
minutes (and dinner is ready and waiting).
|
See above.
|
|
Recommended hours of sleep vs. actual hours of sleep
|
Represented as a bell curve as it relates to the ages of
your children; includes variables such as bedtime thirst, boogeyman sightings, remembered dirty baseball uniforms, and vomit.
|
|
Number of times we have actually gone into the basement
during a tornado warning
|
Zero. This number is
zero. We are from Kansas. We grab a snack and sit in the back of our truck. Bring a camera!
|
|
Average number of chicken nuggets consumed by my son at
one sitting between the ages of 13 and 14.
|
 
|
|
Ratio of dollar-to-portion savings at an all-you-can-eat
buffet when feeding two teenagers
|
AKA the restaurant’s profit/loss margin
|
|
Number of vegetables my kids will eat vs. number of
vegetables my husband will eat
|
The answer is potatoes.
|
I hope you learned something today, children. Numbers are everywhere. It’s what you do with that math that makes
you a better person. And if math is too
hard, the best answer is always potatoes.
